The Wait

Arrrgh. This two week wait is torture. Everything I do, I can't help but wonder...

While the whole world (Ha! I should only be so important!) waits with me, I'll admit we have been busy with other things. Landscaping projects seem to take up most of our time these days, which is great. It's just what we wanted...a space of our own to make beautiful!

We're also getting ready for our first party at OUR HOUSE this weekend! Whoo hoo!

Speaking of the weekend...Sunday or Monday should tell the tale. I experienced a bit of cramping for three or four days after ovulation. What does that mean? You tell me!

Till next time....

"O" K

As some of you may know, Mark and I have been trying to conceive (ttc) for a looooooong time. The problem is, our "trying" was unconventional (to say the least) until recently.

You see, while Mark agreed he was ready to start a family he didn't really take an active interest in our attempts to conceive. Meaning...he didn't really care to hear about my cycle, or ovulation, or anything that had to do with the "planning" aspect of conception.

So I charted my cycle, used an online ferility predictor tool, kept a calendar...the whole ball of wax and was involved enough for the both of us. But, it didn't really feel right. I alternated between thinking we were on the same page with our plans to start a family to feeling like I was tricking him into getting pregnant. Blah. It was not good.

Then, about four months ago, it was like a light switch flipped in my dear hubby's head. Just like that he was logging on to fertility Web sites because he wanted to. He made an appointment with his doctor because he read somewhere that certain thyroid medications can complicate things when trying to conceive. He sought out advice from his brothers and believe it or not he was the one to suggest we start using Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK).

Amazing! I am so blessed to have his love and support and I finally feel like we're working together on this dream!

Also amazing...I was stunned to learn - via the OPK - that my cycle is just as I thought it was! I was seriously scared that I might find out that I was either not ovulating, or ovulating in an unpredictable/weird way. BUT... (and sorry if this is too much info) I have a 25 day cycle and I ovulated on day 12...half way through the cycle! Whooo hooooo!

Have I mentioned how amazing it was to see TWO PINK LINES. Granted, they were only HcG Spike lines and not you-are-pregnant-go-celebrate lines, but still. I have NEVER seen two pink lines on a stick before. My heart seriously started racing.

God bless the inventor of the OPK. My mind has never been so at ease in all the months we've been ttc. Fingers crossed...

NoT mE!

It's time for another Not Me! Monday hosted by MckMama!

I did not cry twice during our priest's homily yesterday and I did not spend most of my prayer time in church asking God to bless us with a baby.

I did not tear up again when my sister-in-law hugged me and said "Happy Mother's Day," explaining that I should celebrate because there's a baby in my heart.

I certainly did not relish the fact that on Mother's Day I not only got to hug my own, wonderful Mama but also the very best mother-in-law a girl could ask for.

I did not spend hours with my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law on Saturday playing card and dice games. It was not the most fun I've had in ages!

On Friday night I definitely did not take the opportunity to actually act my age by going out with friends for drinks and an amazing show at the Fox Cities Performing Arts Center. I certainly did not change my facebook status to reflect that fun.

Mark and I did not get into a *huge* argument Saturday night and did not go to bed angry. He did not totally make up for it the next day by giving me a huge hug and telling me "Don't worry, honey next Mother's Day will be sooooooo great cuz you'll have our baby in your arms!"

I am not so thankful for this day and every day that I get to spend with him....

Testing

Yesterday was Mark's 27th birthday. Man, I love that guy! Know what I wanted more than anything to give him for his special day? A positive pregnancy test. Wanna know what I got him instead? Season one on DVD of his favorite TV show, Chuck.

He was happy and I was happy that he was happy, but still...

So here's what we're up to right now -

My morning routine: I awake to a kiss from hubby, then stumble to the bathroom and find my favorite plastic cup. I quickly do my business, catching as much "liquid" as one can while trying not to think about/look at what they're doing. Then I rush to grab an ovulation test strip from the canister - being careful to expose the strips to less than .25 seconds of air from the outside world - and I dip the test strip and wait. For five minutes. I read the results, sigh a frustrated sigh when I see negative results and go about my "pre-trying-to-conceive-morning routine."

Hopefully some day soon those dumb test strips will tell me I'm ovulating...but I guess that's my biggest fear - that I'm not. In my mind there's got to be some reason why we haven't conceived in the last year...maybe it's me?

While I'm excited to take this next step toward conceiving, I'm also nervous and anxious that I'll find there's something wrong. I guess in the event that happens, then we'll know - sooner rather than later - that we need help.

Fingers crossed for ovulation/good timing/happy thoughts!!!

Fertility Blog

Two posts. One week. I know. You're shocked.

Well, get used to it. I've decided to turn over a new leaf. No wait. A new forest.

You see, I've had an epiphany of sorts and here it is:

Someday (hopefully soon) Mark and I will have the little family we dream of. I'm guessing during that exciting and magical time in our lives, our struggles to create that family will be far from our minds.

I firmly believe that each and every experience in my life have helped to shape the person I've become. All the hard times, the struggles...they're all a part of me.

So as difficult as it is to admit, our struggle with (in)fertility is a big part of who I am today and a HUGE part of who I'll be tomorrow.

Hopefully my blog posts - which will document our travel into the turbulent waters of infertility - will help me appreciate all the more, the miracle that we will create. Thus, my promise to myself to post regularly about our progress, or lack-thereof.

Alright, so I've laid the ground work for what this blog will become.

Sure, I'll still throw in amazingly funny anecdotes from my cutie nieces and nephews and I'll share some pictures of our home remodeling projects. I'll still probably complain about my husband and whine about my mundane life...but until I can write the "I'm-pregnant-and-I'm-so-excited-I'm-about-to-burst" post, this blog will serve as my way to document our journey.

Coming soon...I'll share what we're doing, right now to (hopefully) grow our family.

Every time...

Every time I pass the baby section at Wal Mart I gaze longingly at the tiny pink and blue onesies.

Every time I buy a box of Tampax I think, "I hope this is the last time I do this for a while..."

Every time I go into my basement, I wander over to the tupperware totes filled with hand-me-down baby clothes from my sisters-in-law and open the totes, breathing in the lingering scent of baby detergent.

Every time I see a pregnant woman I smile a sad smile and try not to let my face show how disappointed I am that I'm not in her shoes.

Every time I feel the tell-tale cramping and mood swings that signal PMS, I spend hours crying myself to sleep.

Every time my husband looks at me with hope in his eyes and I have to tell him, "No honey, not yet" a little piece of my heart breaks.

Every time I look at my beautiful new, very tidy home I wish, hope and pray that someday it will be filled with toys, giggles and tiny feet.

Every time I feel like this I wonder...Whose star am I wishing on? Why does someone else keep getting what I'm wishing for?

When will it be my time?

An unexplained absence.

Hello blogging buddies! Is anyone still checking this little space in the blog-o-sphere? If you're reading...thanks for sticking with me!

Obviously I've been absent from the blogging world for (gasp!) more than a month and I'm sure I "owe" someone, somewhere an explanation. But I have none.

Sure, I've been busy. Busy praying for this family and of course sweet baby Stellan. I've also been busy with work and family and landscaping and other projects at our house.

But still, there should have been time for blogging. And yet, I haven't found time. See? It's an unexplained absence.

Oh well, things can only get better from here right? Right?

Stay tuned...