Fishin' with Benny

Last night I stopped by my parent's place to get some "good" water for my plants - the city water we have in our apartment has too much chlorine and kills them - and as I pulled in the driveway, my brother was headed up to the pond to go fishing.

I haven't been fishing in years and it feels like so long since Ben and I have had some bonding time, so I invited myself along. Even though he assures me there are still fish in there, we didn't catch anything in the three hours we sat on the pier. Oh well, it was still great to spend time together!

Baiting the hook

We dug out Grandpa's old rod and reel and tackle box

Summer Feet!

Don't Eat the Dandelions!

Yesterday Mark and I made the trek to his brother Mike's house to load up all their baby stuff. Mike and Kelly have decided they're done having and kids and generously passed on all their baby furniture to us! We're so blessed.

We loaded up a bouncer, a stroller, an infant car seat, a baby bathtub, a high chair, and half dozen other odds and ends things that come in oh so handy when babies are around. Actually, Mike and Mark loaded up the stuff...I happily played with the kids in the "sam box." (Translation: Sand Box)

Reed, Gwen and I dug a hole to China, used the swings to touch the clouds, climbed the "wrong" way up the slide and made dandelion bracelets to add to our natural beauty. As we were collecting the mostly dead dandelions for our jewelry, Gwen stumbled upon one, still-yellow weed (er...flower).

"Here. Pweety!" She exclaimed as she handed it to me.
"Oooh thank you Gweny, it's beautiful!" I said and lifted it to my nose to take a whiff.

Gwen promptly held out her hand in front of my face and shouted "Stop! Don't eat dose. Dat's bad!"

Mmmmm. Good advice. Something tells me she's heard that a time or two!

Miss Gwen

It's been six days...

... since I bagged up the trash and put it by the door. Hubby apparently has a special sort of "guy vision" that let's him look right past it, even though he uses said door to enter and exit our apartment at least five times a day.

It's been four days since I did the dishes. I'm testing him. I want to see if he will find the ambition and motivation to help me out. We're down to a few plates, two bowls and two forks. Oops, make that one fork. I used one for lunch today.

It's been five days since I cleaned the bathroom. (Gross, I know but I'm sacrificing for experiment's sake.)

It's been seven days since I cleaned his side of our bedroom. Currently, there is a pile of Kleenex next to his trash can on his side of the bed that is close to being knee high. There are also seven pairs of boxers pooled together on the floor on his side of the bed. Never mind that the hamper is a mere four feet away - he's hoping they'll grow legs and hop in of their own accord.

I haven't done HIS laundry in as many days. (Let's face it, not doing my laundry would only serve to torture ME.)

So far, it seems he hasn't even noticed my little experiment.

Last night I nonchalantly asked him if he noticed anything different about the apartment. He looked around and said, "Oh yea that new air freshener smells good."

I don't ask a lot. I just want a little help. I want him to pick up after himself and help with at least one or two of the cleaning chores. Things would be different if he had a very demanding job and worked late hours, but that's just not the case. Four out of the five work days, he's home before I am yet I'm still the one who has to do all the cleaning, laundry and cooking. Ugh!

On another note, I had to go to the dentist this morning for a cleaning. The fact that I have a TMJ disorder coupled with problems related to gum bleeding, means that my appointments usually last in excess of an hour. I'm in so much pain, it hurts to take a sip of my water!

As I bask in the disarray of my apartment and hold a warm compress to my throbbing jaw, I look forward to the weekend. Mark will be gone up North and my experiment will officially end, meaning I will spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday cleaning, sterilizing and de-dustifying my apartment. Ah, the joys of married life.

Sunburns, bonfires and monkeys

Weekend Recap....
On Saturday Mark went golfing with some friends, so I took the opportunity to wash some laundry and take it out to my parent's farm to let it air dry on their clothes line. I love, love, love the smell of line-dried laundry but forgot that line drying can make the towels quite crispy! I ended up throwing some of the towels in our dryer at the apartment for a little bit to soften them up!

It was nice to sit out in a lawn chair in the sun talking with my mom for several hours and even though I tried to be good and put sunscreen on, I still managed to get burned on the back of my neck, my forehead and the tops of my shoulders. Hmmm...maybe I should invest in the colored sunscreen that helps you see the spots you missed?!

Later, I picked Mark up from the bar and we headed out to my aunt's house for the first bonfire of the season. A few of my aunts and I spent some time working on Relay for Life stuff in the house and by the time we were ready to sit by the fire, everyone else was cold and wanted to come in! Oh well, it was a nice evening and good to catch up with everyone.

Today, we went to the N.E.W. Zoo in Suamico. We had a lot fun and I couldn't help but think that in a few years it will be even more fun to bring a little one (or two) to see the animals! I love to watch the monkeys and the groundhogs and of course, the giraffes are really fun to see. A few of the exhibits were under construction and some of the animals were "in hiding," so I'm definitely thinking a return trip later on in the summer is in order.

Tonight we'll probably just veg. Mark is napping now but he mentioned watching a movie later, so we'll see. Tomorrow is the Memorial Day Parade and celebration in town, so we'll go to get some pictures. I'm also going to try to make it out the cemetery where my grandpa is buried - they're having a 21 gun salute and playing of taps at 7:30 a.m. there. Maybe we'll grill out tomorrow afternoon. I guess I don't really care what we do as long as we can spend time together, because Mark will be gone up North all of next weekend and we won't get to see each other.

Alright, I'll leave you with some pics from the zoo and get back to reading my book!

Some of the animals were pretty...

... and some were pretty hungry!

The poor groundhogs had their home invaded...

...and the tortoise had a very lazy kind of day.


The cute little Albino Alligator found refuge from the sun...


...the lion and lioness basked in it!

All in all it was a very "zoobly" day!

Opening our hearts to Adoption

It's no secret that I hope to have a "bunch" of children...I love them! Though I hope Mark and I are blessed to have birth children, my heart is also open to the possibility of adoption.

Mark and I have so much love to give and there are so many wonderful children out there in need of a loving home, that it only makes sense to consider it. Further influencing my hope to adopt is the fact that my sister and brother-in-law recently celebrated the two year anniversary of the day they "got" their son and daughter.

S and G (abbreviated names to protect their identities)wanted a family for many years and simply couldn't have children on their own. After a heart-wrenching failed adoption several years ago, they were thrilled to learn of two toddlers - a brother and sister - who were available for adoption. (I'd love to share their names and a photo of my adorable niece and nephew, but as part of the adoption agreement their birth parents are not allowed to know their location and I simply don't want to risk their safety.)

The kids fit right in with the bunch and quickly became family. In fact, it's weird for me to remember as I'm typing this that they are adopted. They are just so much a part of us. Though they were old enough to remember both their birth parents and their foster parents, it didn't long at all for them to fell comfortable calling S and G "mommy" and "daddy."

It warms my heart to see their family complete after many years of heartache and sorrow and re-affirms my belief in adoption. I would love to have a few birth children and then round out our family through international adoption. Mark isn't really sure how he feels about adoption. He of course loves our niece and nephew and is thrilled that his sister finally has the family she always dreamed about, but he also witnessed first hand the heart break of that first, failed attempt at adoption. He also knows the cost involved - both in the first try and in the successful adoption - and worries about the financial burden adoption can carry.

Of course, I recognize the cost but to me the reward is so much greater - children are such a gift and blessing, no matter how they're packaged. Sure a dark-skinned baby growing up in a Caucasian household and attending a primarily Caucasian school may face some issues, but to help a child find security and love in a world he thought was only full of struggles and pain is the ultimate reward.

I follow several blogs written by adoptive moms and read about the trouble they encounter, but more importantly they share the blessings they've received. Is your heart open to adoption? Visit Adoption.com to learn more.

::Missing Him::

My grandpa and me.

My grandpa was one the most wonderful men I'll ever know. He was a Korean War veteran, a farmer, a factory worker, a husband, a father, a grandpa and a great fisherman. He loved to go to farm auctions, watch old Western movies and ride his four-wheeler.

My grandpa was quiet and wise and had a smile that, if he trusted you enough to show it, would make you melt. He always knew the right things to say. He was my brother's best friend.

*This is my brother Ben just minutes after getting this tattoo in memory of my grandpa. My brother was named after Grandpa's brother, Benjamin who died when he was young. Ben and my Grandpa were so close...they were like "brothers."

Though I think about him nearly every day, Memorial Day is especially hard. My grandpa loved his country and sacrificed everything to serve in the armed forces. He was awarded the Purple Heart for bravery and on the day he died, still had several small pieces of shrapnel lodged in his back.

I visit his grave often. The cemetery is in the country and there's a large oak tree near where he was buried - I know he'd love it. I'm always sure to sprinkle a few pennies around so he'll know I was there.

Oh man, I miss him. When he was here, everything made sense. Though, it's been nearly three years since he died the pain is still so fresh, so real...much like the tear drops on my keyboard as I write this. Though we didn't often say it, I hope he knows how much I love him.

Love you always, Grandpa!

October 10, 1928 - September 4, 2005

You just don't know...

The news is full of sad stories - a father of five killed in a fiery wreck, a little girl accidentally run over by her brother, a baby smothered by its mother, a young lady who takes her own life...

Everyday, I'm reminded just how precious life is. Each kiss could be the last. That missed phone call could have been the final good bye. It is so important to appreciate the ones you love, so there is never any doubt when "that" day comes.

Never go to bed angry. Always say "I love you" at the end of a conversation. Take the time to really listen when your loved one talks. Remember to call on their birthday. Visit them "just because." Make sure they never doubt your love...because you just don't know.

If tomorrow never comes...will they know how much you loved them?

My View

I love the night view from our apartment's balcony. When we move, it will be the only thing I'll miss about this place. I love the sunsets and the way the clouds toss the colors around, highlighting this house or that tree.

I appreciate that each sunset is different, yet refreshingly familiar and so dependable. Sunsets promise a brighter tomorrow and remind me that I always have someone watching over me. They are pure magic.

Changes

I know what you're thinking...stop with the changes already! The problem is, I took an Html and Web Editing class in college and used to love to putz around with changing settings and layout on my old blog.

With work, wedding planning and life taking up a lot of my time over the last year, I pretty much stopped blogging and only got back into it about a month ago. Now it's all coming back to me and I'm having fun playing around!

I spent several hours the other weekend trying to design a new template, but something wasn't working right and I couldn't figure out what it was. I even went as far as to email one of my old professors for help. He tried to pin point the problem, but in the end just suggested I visit pyzam.com where I could find free templates that I could "tweak."

There are lots of cute ones on the site, including the brown/pink one I just had. As I was posting pictures this morning, I realized I wanted a lighter background because the photos were looking washed out and strange against the brown background.

Ta da! We'll see how long this one lasts... I'm sure it won't be long before I'm searching for a fresh look. (Smile)

The "Boy-Gramma" Story

Some of the kids, Christmas '07


There are lots of kids in the Breckheimer clan. To be precise I am the proud auntie of 25 nieces and nephews, one great-niece, and one great-nephew.

A few of them are older than me, some are exactly my age, and the youngest is two years old...I love it! With all those kids (and of course their moms and dads) running around, family events get a little chaotic. I know this, I've experienced this...but it wasn't until recently that I realized the effect all this chaos and noise had on the kids.

"Boy-Gramma"

My brother-in-law Randy was talking with my nephew, Marcus at a recent family gathering.

"Do you know all of your cousin's names?" Randy asked.
In true Marcus form, the little guy rolled his eyes and answered "Duh."

So, Randy started testing him.

"Do you know who that is?" Randy said.
"Uncle Mark," he replied.

"Who's that?" Randy questioned.
"Julia!" Marcus giggled and yelled out his sister's name.

"And that?" Randy said, pointing.
"Tyler! And that's Reed and that's Megan and that's Patrick and that's Kayla!" Marcus rattled off, clearly getting annoyed.

"Ok,who's that," Randy pointed to Mary (my mother-in-law)
"That's Gramma!" Marcus said in his Uncle-Randy-you-are-very-silly tone.

"Alright, last one. Who's that?" Randy pointed to Don (my father-in-law)
"Ahhh! That's 'Boy-Gramma!'" Marcus yelled, then quickly ran off to play.

I'm guessing we laughed for close to a half hour at his response! It's good to know that some else shares my confusion!

The "great thinker" himself! (Marcus)

Wasetful Me

"I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but you waste a lot of stuff," my dear husband told me last night.

Me, wasteful? According to him, I had made the mistake of tossing out his nearly empty deodorant and replacing it with a brand new one. Apparently he felt he could get "at least two more weeks" out of the depleted deodorant stick. Never mind that there were less than six centimeters of the blue gel left in the container or that the cap had a huge crack in it from when it fell on the bathroom floor. Excuse me for trying to be helpful and looking out for his person hygeine!

I explained why I had tossed it and tried to reason with him.

"I already bought you new deodorant...instead of trying to eke every last bit out of the old stuff, I thought you could just use the new one," I told him.

Ignoring my explanation, he proceeded to tell me that I also "wasted the ketchup" last week. Apparently he likes to shake the plastic bottle, slam it on the counter and practically stand on his head to get the last drop rather than starting a new bottle. The argument continued with me getting angrier and angrier. Finally we went to bed and decided to continue the "discussion" the next day.

First of all, I take offense to his accusation because I do NOT waste things. I am a huge fan of recycling and I try to re-use whenever possible. That used ketchup bottle? It's now serving as a vase for several tulips. I try to stretch our money whenever possible and I definitely don't buy things unless we need them. When I do buy groceries and other household necessities I try to buy things that are recyclable, have the least amount of packaging, and are economy sized. Good grief. Don't call ME wasteful!

This morning, I noticed he'd changed the toilet paper roll and tossed the "empty" one away. There were still four squares of paper on the roll. I fished it out of the garbage and put it on his night stand. Let's just see who calls whom wasteful, now!

Butterflies and Bears

My job often involves going into the local schools to take pictures of cute kids doing really fun things. Yesterday I had the privilege of accompanying the Hilbert kindergarten class as the released their Painted Lady Butterflies. I had so much fun and by the time I left, my cheeks actually hurt from laughing so much! I love children at this age because they are so talkative and come up with the most amazing insights into life.

I met up with one of the teachers and we led the class (they walked in a "buddy" line) down a trail in the school forest. As we entered the trees, one cute little boy yelled to his teacher "Mrs. Ott, are there bears in here?"

We chuckled and the teacher replied that no, there were definitely not bears in the school forest.

"Do you think we might maybe see some deers?" he asked.

"Well, there might be deer in here," Mrs. Ott said. "But chances are we won't see them because we're a pretty loud group."

The cutie boy looked over his shoulder at the class walking behind him and yelled, "Hey guys! If you're really super duper quiet we'll see some deers. Teacher said!"

These kids cracked me up! We eventually found an open area that was shielded somewhat from the wind and the teacher gathered the students into a semi-circle around her as she got ready to unzip the mesh shelter the butterflies were in. She told the kids to be very still and quiet and maybe a butterfly would land on them.

Two butterflies promptly landed on this cute little boy named Jose. One sat on his shoulder and the other on his shoe. Mrs. Ott said to the class "Look how patient Jose is being, the butterflies really like him."

A little brunette girl, Maddie, piped up - "Yea, look at me I'm being real patient. Where's my butterfly?" (Smile.)

The students watched the butterflies as they lazily floated around the area for 20 or so minutes and I was able to get lots of cute pictures. At one point, a butterfly landed on little Dakota's hat.

"Didja see it!?" Dakota asked me excitedly.

I told him that yes, I had seen it but it didn't stay long enough for me to get a picture. He seemed a bit disappointed but was excited the butterfly had "chosen" him." On our walk back to the school, some of the kids really started warming up to me - including little Dakota.

"A butterfly landed on my hat," he told me again as he pointed to the spot on the brim of his hat.
"I know, I saw. You are a pretty lucky boy," I told him.
"Yeah," he said and smiled.

We walked for a minute in silence. Then, "One landed right here. Right in this bitty spot on my hat. That's cool huh?"

"It really is cool, Dakota. You'll have to remember to tell your Mommy and Daddy about that,"I said.
"I will! I will tell them about the butterfly and how it picked my head over all the other heads out there!" he exclaimed.

We got back to the school and the teacher and I started arranging the kids for a group photo. Since Dakota is one of the taller kids, I asked him to stand in the back row. He looked up at me from under the brim of his camouflage hat and said, "Yea but, remember how the butterfly landed on my hat? So that means I should be in the front, probably."

It took me about a minute to stop laughing and then I finally explained that he'd probably want to take his hat off so we could see his face in the picture. Of course, he had an answer for that one.

"Hmmmm. But you do know this is my lucky hat, right? So if I take it off, the butterfly might not know where to land!"

"This tickles!"

The cute kindergarten group with their butterfly shirts. There's my buddy Dakota in the second row, fourth from the right. Still wearing his hat. (Smile.)

Created Equal

I am so thrilled to learn that California has lifted its ban on gay marriage! This is exactly the kind of break through we need! I am blessed to have many friends and even some family members who are gay and I love the fact that our country is slowly starting to accept their lifestyle.

I know this is a very controversial subject for some, but for me it's cut and dry. If two people love each other, are committed, and want to be married they should be allowed. It shouldn't be about one religion or another saying it's "not right" or about close-minded people who are afraid of change. I was raised to believe that God does not make mistakes. To me everyone - despite or in spite of their faults and choices in living - deserves the same equal rights.

Mark is very divided on the issue. He too has family/friends who are a gay and appreciates their lifestyle and love for their partners, but he's concerned that legalizing gay marriage will cause irreparable damage to the economy and government. I can see his point.

Take the movie "I Now Pronounce you Chuck & Larry" for instance. If gay marriage were legalized and dishonest people chose to cheat the system for health care benefits and other conveniences of marriage, that would be wrong. However, what is right is the legal marriage between two women who have lived together and love each other for 20+ years or the two men who have raised a daughter, built a home and rescue pets from the local animal shelter.

Couples who have weathered tough storms, shared in triumphs, and built a life together should be allowed the right and freedom to marry. To think that heterosexual couples who have lived together for an extended period of time but are not married, have rights/provisions in the event their spouse dies prove just how ridiculous it is that same-sex relationships aren't recognized. Where is the justice? The equality for all?

I can only hope and pray that the courage the California politicians have found to make things right will enter the hearts of every politician in every state. I'm just thankful we've taken a step in the right direction...

A Productive Day

Today was probably one of the most productive days I've had in a long time. I got a lot of stuff done at work, including a project that isn't being published for nearly two weeks! I love working ahead...when I have time.

I also got a lot of things organized for this year's Relay for Life. I've walked with my aunt for the last couple of years with the Sargento team and this year we've decided to create our own family team. We're co-captains of the group and let me tell you - there is a lot to do before August! I'm really looking forward to it though.

We'll be walking in memory of my Great-Aunt Eileen, who passed away from breast cancer, and in honor of my Uncle Dave and Grandpa Totzke, who both have skin cancer. Actually, Dave is technically in remission but my Grandpa is just recovering from the surgery he had a couple of weeks ago to remove a tumor on his ear. This is such a worthy cause and a fight that's near and dear to my heart...I can't wait to get out there and start raising some money for cancer research!

Now, with Mark gone to golf league I'm going to try to get a bunch of cleaning done. Oh! I almost forgot...I also succeeded in convincing our landlord that there's a problem with our apartment unit's dryer. The thing has been acting dumb for a really long time - it takes two cycles ($2) to get ONE load dry each time. Also, there's been this weird burning smell coming from it. I've been calling and calling and complaining and they must have finally listened. I got home this afternoon and there was a service call thingy on our door saying they removed a BIRD'S NEST from the dryer vent intake thing. Talk about a fire hazard!

I always knew birds were evil. This confirms it. Phew! Glad to have that problem taken care of. Now if only they'd listen to my complaints about the crazy girl who lives next door to us...she has a cat! That's totally against our rental contract, but they won't kick her out. Stupid male landlords!

Alrighty, on to some cleaning... or maybe I'll finish my book...it's calling my name right now. (Smile)

Country Kids

•You know a kid was raised in the country when you see him dive head first into a puddle to pull out the biggest worm.

•You can tell she was raised in the country because she's not afraid to run bare foot across a gravel driveway or chase kittens through a hay mow.

•If his first words are "moo," "piggy," "barn," or "tractor"

... you know he was raised in the country.

•You know a kid was raised in the country when you see him "picking stones" on the grass.

•If she asks for a ride on a cow or knows how to handle a pitch fork,

you can tell she was raised in the country.

I count myself lucky that I will be able to raise my children "corn-fed" and country.

There's no better way to live than to learn about the land and responsibility,

and share the satisfaction of hard day's work.

Here are a couple of my favorite "country kids!"

Just hours after receiving her First Communion, my niece Olivia ditched the white dress in favor of some comfy clothes and a mud puddle. That's my girl!

I can always count on my godson Jade to find the dirt!

Not Quite a Mother...

We had such a fun Mother's Day! First we took my mom and dad for brunch at Cobblestone Creek - it was very yummy and we had a lot of fun just spending time together and chatting. Since my parent's house was demolished to make way for their new one, we haven't had much of an opportunity to spend time together. I used to hang out there every Thurs. night to do laundry and I really miss that time!

So anyway, it was great. I wrote a poem for my mom and found about a dozen pics of the two of us from when I was younger and more recently. I put them all together in a photo collage frame and she really, really liked it. Mark, of course, picked out a Snoopy card and we got her a few carnations.

We went over to my in-laws in the afternoon. Mother's Day is tricky over there because all of Mark's siblings like to celebrate with their own little families as well. It was so strange, we only had about 15 people at the farm...one of the smallest groups ever! It was really weird not to have to step over kids to get to the bathroom and to not have to squeeze past 88 people to grab a soda!

We got his mom a beautiful flower bush thing for her garden as well as gift certificates to go golfing and to a local plant nursery so she can pick out a few more things for her garden. I can't wait until Mark and I have a house, so she can come over and teach me how to garden!

I got to spent some quality time with my godson, Jade, as well. He's really turning into quite the talkative young man! I still can't believe he's almost three...the time has just flown by. I also played Gin Rummy with two of my sisters-in-law and my niece, Rachel, while the guys were playing sheepshead. It's always fun to play games...but with the Breckheimer bunch, I always have to watch my back. They are so competitive and they find little ways to "cheat." I'm getting used to it after being around them for four years, but at first it drove me crazy!

Anyway, it was a great day and we had fun spending time with family. The only small "downer" moment was when I ran into Wal Mart later in the day and the cashier told me "Happy Mother's Day!" I just smiled. How awkward. Oh well, I know someday it will happen.

As for me and Mark, we had another in a seemingly endless series of long talks on Saturday. I shared with him what I'm feeling and asked him to try harder and be more conscious of what he's doing and how it affects our relationship. As for my part, I'm going to try not to place expectations on him. I can only hope that he'll want to work on the issues and make an effort. If I expect it and he doesn't come through, I'll end up feel disappointed.

So far, so good thought. He did a load of laundry last night when we got home and this morning he had actually hung up his wet towel. He still left a mess on the bathroom counter and didn't take out the full garbage bag I put by the door, but I guess it's a start.

He's also starting to be more conscious of showing affection in public. When we were first together he thought nothing of holding hands in public or sharing a quick kiss...lately it's like he thinks he'll melt if he shows people we're together. I'm not really sure why and he didn't have an answer when I asked him, but I told him I'd appreciate it if he could at least hold my hand sometimes. For me, it's just a way to re-affirm how much I love him so I don't really understand why it's a big deal.

Yesterday, he came up behind me at his parent's house and rubbed my shoulders while I was playing gin with the girls. That's the one of the first times in the four years we've been together that he acknowledged me or touched me at a fam. event. It's never really bothered me cuz we have so much going on when we're with the family, but it's nice that he's trying.

Ok, that's it. Now I'm just rambling. Til next time...

Going through the motions and having regrets...

Ok, today I'm not going to follow my advice from my last post. I'm not feeling very upbeat or positive at all today...I'm just going through the motions. I have been for the last two months or so.

I don't know if I want to label it "depression" but I certainly haven't been feeling like myself for several weeks now. I've been feeling so fed up with a lot of things in regard to my life and my husband. It's so frustrating to feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

He doesn't help with any of the cleaning or apartment maintenance and lately he's been content to sit in front of the TV for hours after work playing Wii. We both have very weird hours with our jobs so Wednesday nights and Friday nights are really the only time during the week we get to spend together. Mark just finished up with his dart league (which played until very late on Thursday nights) and this past week started Golf League (which plays until quite late on Thursday nights). The result of this "fun" is that he gets home late on Thursdays, has to get up early for work on Friday and by that evening he is in bed by 8 p.m. So to re-hash...we see each other on Wednesdays. If he's not playing Wii.

So much has changed. When we first started dating, he was thoughtful and surprised me all the time. We kissed and cuddled and had funny nicknames for each other and things were really fun. Even through our engagement and up until the week before our wedding in October things were great. Then...it's like he's flipped a switch and has this idea that now that we're married he doesn't have to try any more. I don't understand. Is this normal?

I know we're both new to this whole marriage thing, but I'm pretty sure a marriage is sort of like a partnership. A 50/50 kind of deal. Like if I do all the dishes and laundry and dusting and bathroom cleaning and scrubbing of the floors and dusting and cleaning out the garage...he could find like two minutes to take out the garbage and recycling and wash the cars. Right? Wrong-o.

I have to beg him to take out the garbage. I will remove the garbage bag from the trash can and place the bag by our front door. I will put a new bag in the can and wait. I will ask him nicely to take out the trash in the morning when he leaves for work. When he hasn't done that, I will ask him to take it out when he gets home from work. He has an excuse...he needs to pay the bills. The heaping full bag of trash will sit next to the door for as long as I'm willing to look at it. Then...I'll take it out.

Last night he picked up a movie for us to watch - 27 Dresses. I loved it! I was happy he picked out a movie he knew I wanted to watch...it was sweet. So, I asked him if he would sit on the couch and watch it with me so we could cuddle. He said he hates sitting on the couch and would prefer to watch in "his chair." I suggested we watch it in the bedroom so we could cuddle in bed and watch it. He said no, he'd likely fall asleep in bed. He sat in his chair, I curled up on the couch. We watched the movie in silence (except for a few cute/funny parts where I laughed). When it was over, he turned off the DVD player and reached for his beloved Wii remote. I went into the bedroom to wash my face and watch some TV. We spent the night together but alone...in silence.

Today, he chose to go over to his parent's house to help with some scrap metal. It's fine, I have to leave in a little while to take some photos for the paper. But...he didn't kiss me goodbye before he left. It's really the only time we kiss anymore - a tight lipped, holding your breath kind of kiss because I usually have morning breath when he's headed out the door - and he didn't ask for one this morning.

I'm so frustrated and feel so helpless. I'm a pretty emotional person and tend to yell and cry a lot when we argue or discuss really important things, so I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel and telling him a few of the things I hope we can change in our relationship. I haven't given it to him yet, but I hope that after he reads it he will be willing to change and compromise. I hate this feeling....REGRET.

I was reminiscing the other night - as I listened to Mark snore - about some past relationships. This little feeling of regret started to seep in. The "what if's" started running through my head.

What if I hadn't broken up with so-and-so? Or what if I had given what's his name another chance? What if I had told a certain someone that I had feelings for him back in high school? What if, what if, what if.

It's a really powerful and devastating feeling to question one's marriage. It's another to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. It's so scary and leaves me feeling very hollow and sad inside.

....I try not to think about what might have been, because that was then and we have taken different roads. We can't go back again, there's no use giving in. There's no way to know...what might have been....

Little Moments

I love the show Little People, Big World . I don't know what I'd do without it. The show is great for two reasons: it helps me realize that I should be thankful for the simple things in life, and has opened my eyes to an even greater understanding of diversity.

For those of you that are living in a cave and have no clue about the show I'm referencing, I'll give a little overview. Then, I expect you to crawl out of said cave and turn on TLC on Monday nights...you have no idea what you're missing!

Little People, Big World follows the lives of "little people" (dwarfs) Matt and Amy Roloff and their four children: Jeremy, Zach, Molly and Jake. Three of the children are of average height, and Zach - who is Jeremy's twin - is little.

The messages are clear:

• Little People can do everything average height people can do, just in a different way.


• Learn to accept other people's differences.


• Dream big.


• Never feel sorry for yourself when you're faced with obstacles. Find another way around them.

Last week, Zach attended his school's winter formal with an average height girl. This was a new experience for him and, it turned out, an experience that brought tears to my eyes.

Zach, Amy and Matt (like how I talk about them like they're my best friends?) are faced with challenges that some people might consider a "handicap." But over the years, they've developed such a positive attitude.... for them, it's not about what they can't do or the struggles they face, it's about what they CAN do and the fun they have along the way.

Like anyone, I have days where I wallow in self pity and think "Why me?" When I feel those emotions starting to creep in, I simply remind myself to appreciate the little things. I'm healthy, I have a wonderful family, I love my husband, the future looks bright...the list goes on an on. Though my blessings are endless, it can be so easy to get sucked into that vortex of feeling sorry for myself and feeling helpless.

I think we've all just got to learn to have faith and be thankful for the little moments. I hope the producers at TLC see this blog post and convince the Roloffs to continue the show. It's completely on their shoulders if they cancel the show and I spiral into a cave of depression. Just so they know. (Smile.)

I love my husband because....

...he is sweet and funny and likes to watch cartoons. I love my husband because he sleeps with a stuffed Snoopy AND a stuffed Clifford every night. I love him because he is so willing to help others and he loves his family.

I love my husband because... he can reach stuff that I can't and he usually remembers to put the toilet seat down. I love him because he makes me feel safe, he calms my fears, he yells at me when I put myself down and he thinks I'm beautiful.

I love my husband because he makes me want to be a better person. I love him because he always kisses me before he leaves for work and sometimes he puts funny little notes in my purse for me to find. I love my husband because he is a hard worker and a great golfer.

Happy Birthday 26th Birthday Mark!

Chipped Tooth = Angry Husband

Well folks I've done it again. It's been one of those Danielle-just-cannot-do-anything-right kind of days. Not only did I cause an argument among my co-workers and anger a customer, I also chipped a tooth.

You see, for a long time I've been spoiled. I've lived my entire life covered under my mom's insurance plan. My mom has a government job with wonderful insurance that covers health, dental and eye. My husband has a regular guy job at at a car dealership with so-so insurance that covers only a portion of health and dental and absolutely nothing dealing with the eyes.

It all started with my devious plan to ruin my husband's life. This spring I developed an extreme case of allergies which have wreaked havoc on my contacts. So, last week I saw the eye doctor for an exam and ordered $130 worth of contacts. Mark was less than thrilled.

Today was the icing on the cake as I continued the plot to ruin said husband's life. I chipped a tooth. Not just any tooth...the tooth I just had a root canal performed on two months ago. You see, in my effort to avoid further tooth-related pain I opted for a temporary filling in the tooth rather than a full-blown crown. The dentist warned me not to eat anything hard or too sticky on that side and guessed the temporary filling would last at least a year.

Wrong-o. As I type, the jagged edges of the dreaded tooth are slicing my delicate tongue to ribbons. No, no not ribbons...shreds. What does hubby have to say about it? Hmmm...I'll let you know tomorrow when he's done cussing under his breath, screaming at the insurance people on the phone and performing hexes on dentists as a whole.

Busy Weekend

Mark and I spent a lot of time talking this weekend. I'm still not sure we've figured everything out, but at least we've re-opened the lines of communication. This is what marriage is all about, right? We found time, amid all that talking, to actually get some serious work done!

We spent the entire day on Saturday clearing out the upstairs of my parent's house and removing the siding and insulation. I'm so excited that my parents are finally building their dream house, but I have very mixed emotions about the demise of the house I grew up in! Mom and I spent two hours just working on my room yesterday. We went through boxes and boxes of memories and while it was so hard to let some of it go, it also felt like a fresh start.

We donated more than 40 boxes and two truck loads of items to Hilbert's St. Vincent DePaul. I love, love, love the idea of "recycling" our toys, clothes, and other non-necessity items and it's a great feeling to know that someone in our community will find a new use for them. Though we donated a lot, we still had a huge trailer of garbage and junk. We were able to burn some of the non-toxic stuff in dad's burn pit, but I still feel pretty guilty about the stuff that's ending up in the landfill. I'm really on this "go green" kick lately. I just want to do my part to ensure that our future is bright for my kids and my kid's kids.

So, I was thrilled to be able to recycle all of the siding and insulation that we tore off of my parent's house. My "brother from another mother" Ryan will use all of it on his house in Hilbert. Ryan will also use the windows from the house and my dad plans to use some of the lumber he collects when it's actually torn down to build another new shed in the near future. I love that my parents are very conscious of their impact on the environment and are always looking for ways to reduce, reuse and recycle. The other day my dad asked me to find a place that would take their old computer because he didn't want to have to worry about it sitting in a landfill. Glad to help!!

It was a great day spent with my parents, my brothers Ben and Ryan and my husband, Mark. We had lots of laughs and so many memories were shared. We realized that though we're tearing down the house where my family shared so many "firsts," soon there will be a new home to create many more memories in. My parents have worked so hard...they deserve to have their dreams come true!

As of now: the upstairs of the house is completely cleaned out and pretty much gutted, with carpeting ripped up and windows torn out. My parents will continue to live in the downstairs for a few more days before they'll move out to the fixed-up shop area connected to the garage. All of the siding, eaves, insulation etc. have been removed from the house and Ben will work on removing all the copper and wiring in the next few days (also to be recycled!) The house will be demolished with a couple of pieces of big machinery and hauled away, then Jannette's will come in to rip out the old basement and start digging the basement for the new house. Their house (North Country Homes) comes the week of July 10, so there's still a lot of work to do in a short amount of time.

My biggest worry : How will I do all my laundry? For the last two years, I've spent every Thursday afternoon and evening at my parent's house catching up on my laundry. Our apartment building has one washer and dryer for all 10 units, making it next to impossible to get anything done! I sure will miss the convenience, not to mention the wonderful quality time I spent with my parents!

For now, it's important that I continue to remember that my parents are so deserving of their amazing new house. No matter how much hard work or inconvenience is involved, it will be so worth it to see their huge grins the day the house arrives!

I'm a farm girl...I know how to handle this drill!

About a Baby

Mark and I have only been married six months but we've been together for four-ish years.In the nearly two years we were engaged, we had lots of time to talk about the future and I'd always thought we were on the same page. Now, I'm not so sure.

He comes from a large family ... he's the youngest of nine kids and we currently have 25 nieces and nephews, as well as a great-niece and a great-nephew. I grew up with one brother and only a handful of cousins, but I've always loved children. In fact, Mark's large family is a huge part of why I fell in love with him.

We've talked about starting our own family. We've talked about it a lot. He knows that I want lots of kids and I know he'd be content with just two. Yup, he only wants TWO. He feels that growing up in a large family meant that he didn't have as many opportunities and advantages as I had growing up.

True, his parents probably had to cut back on some luxuries and in helping to run the farm, I'm sure Mark wasn't always allowed to spend the night at a friend's house whenever he wanted or get a new toy every time he visited a store. But, from what I've gathered over the years I've known him and his family, his memories of his childhood are worth far more than any of the material items he wishes he'd had. Mark has hundreds of heartwarming and entertaining stories floating in his memory bank and all of them revolve around the fun and crazy things he did with his brothers and sisters.

I had a wonderful childhood. My dad is a hard-working farmer and my mom sacrificed by working a part-time job during our youth so she could be our primary care giver. As we grew older, mom took a full time job so our family could have insurance and extra income. My brother and I are very close and I wouldn't trade him for anything, but I've always felt like something is missing.

I want at least five children. I'll settle for three. I want a home filled with love. I want laughter to spill out of every nook and cranny of my house and I hope our welcome mat is always in tatters because so many feet trample it. I want every room in our home to be overflowing with toys. I can't wait to find frogs in the laundry and hair barrettes stuffed in the couch.

I thought he wanted that too.

Several years ago I began taking oral contraceptives to help combat some medical issues I was having at the time. Since our wedding, I decided to stop taking the pills and though we haven't been "trying" we haven't been not trying either. This month, things were unusual. Unusual enough that I told Mark I wanted to take a pregnancy test. To put it mildly... he flipped out.

Apparently he has some master plan and at this time a baby does not fit into it. He ticked off the reasons why a baby would not be good : we're hoping to build a house, my job is not very stable, our apartment is too small for a baby if we are unable to build said house, we don't have any money set aside, we're still paying off Mark's loans, we might need to get a new car this year, etc.

How could I possibly respond? I cried. I felt guilty. I hated myself for feeling guilty. I felt horrible for both wanting a baby and not wanting a baby at the same time. I wondered if Mark could love a baby that would "ruin our plans." I remembered how much my mom and dad are hoping for a grandchild. I thought about my grandpa, who recently told me he hopes we have children before he's gone. I cried some more.

I bought a test. I took the test and paced the apartment waiting for the results. I sobbed when it came back negative and I'm still not sure if I cried because of what wasn't or because of what I wanted to be.

I haven't told him yet. I don't know how to begin talking about and I'm heartbroken to learn that the dreams I thought we dreamed together, were really just wishful thinking.

The Blog Lurker

Hello. My name is Danielle Breckheimer and I am a blog lurker.

I first developed this addiction nearly two years ago when I stumbled upon a blog written by a friend of a friend. I began reading her blog daily and felt inspired by her humor, gorgeous photos of her kids and overall eagerness to share her life through blogging.

I currently read 25 blogs on a daily or sometimes twice daily basis. I can't stop. Each night I spend more than an hour catching up on my blog reading. Most nights reading about the problems, joys and happenings in other people's lives is the only thing that keeps me going!

"My" Blogs

I read a wide variety of blogs written by people from all walks of life. I read written by moms with large families and I read blogs written by adoptive parents, who detail the triumphs and struggles of raising abused and neglected children.

I read several blogs written by cancer survivors and some that are written by parents of children who have lost their battle with cancer.


I read Nathan's Blog and pray for his wife Tricia, who just received a double lung transplant, and his daughter Gwenyth, who was born extremely premature. I read funny blogs and a few that never fail to make me cry.

My name is Danielle Breckheimer and today, I am not only a blog lurker, but also a blog writer!