Today marks one week since our dear friend Al's death and yesterday was his very emotional funeral service and life celebration. The events of this weekend have forever changed my life, and for that I'm grateful - I've learned a lot of very valuable lessons.
On Friday night Mark, his brother and one of their good friends spent several hours sharing stories and toasting Al. I know it was very therapeutic for them all and I'm so grateful that through this trying time, we've had our close friends to lean on.
On Saturday, I was also thankful when our friend Eric asked if he could ride with us to Sheboygan for the service. My stomach was in knots, I'd already gone through half a box of Kleenex while I was getting ready, and I wasn't quite sure how Mark and I were going to handle the 45 minute car ride there in silence. With Eric along we spent the ride talking about "normal" stuff and it was good to think about other things for a few minutes.
The only way we got through the service was by leaning on one another. I'll admit, as soon as I walked through the doors of the funeral home I broke down. First we filed past a poster board of pictures featuring our smiling friend, who was still so alive in our hearts it hurt to think of him in any other way. I hugged his daughter who, dry eyed, patted my arm and told me everything would be ok. (They later told me, they'd spent the entire week crying and really didn't have any tears left to shed at the service.) I collapsed into his son's arms and told him how sorry I was and then Mark and I walked up to the casket.
It was surreal to see him lying there, so peaceful. I wanted to shake him, scream at him, ask him to quit this charade. He looked so different and later I realized why - he wasn't smiling. In all the years I'd known him, I'd never seen Al with anything but a smile on his face and a handshake or hug ready to dole out.
The service was beautiful and touching, with the pastor relaying some stories several of us had told him. At one point, the pastor said "You know, it's ok to be angry. It's ok to be angry at yourselves for whatever you might have done to change this outcome; it's ok to be angry at God for 'letting' this happen; and it's ok to be mad at Al for choosing this route."
As he said those words, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had been feeling all those things - the anger and guilt that I could have done something, anything to stop him. I was angry with God for "letting" this happen and I'd had fleeting feelings of anger toward Al for choosing to leave us in this grief. As I looked around and heard a collective sigh from the dozens of people around me, I could literally feel my heart starting to mend. It's ok, it's ok, it's ok.
Our close-knit group of friends sat together at the service. I sat between my husband and my brother-in-law, clutching Mark's hand and one-arm hugging Randy. On the other side of Mark were several of our other friends, all leaning on each other and my sister-in-law sat on the other side of Randy holding his hand. My niece and nephew sat on their parent's laps and Trent put his hand on my knee. With all of us grieving so closely together, I must admit we were a messy bunch - not much time or a free hand to reach for the Kleenex!
After the service, we all went to a park to eat, have some drinks and honor Al the way he would have wanted - with lots of laughter and joking. The kids played a pick-up game of football, a spontaneous poker game was started (Al would have loved that!) and we spent hours sharing stories. It was so therapeutic and so wonderful to see his wife, Nikki, laughing and reminiscing.
We've still got many tough days ahead as we try to help Nikki and the kids pick up the pieces and create a new sense of "normal." There are living arrangements to iron out, debts to consider and remedy, and dozens of other details to figure out...but I know that this weekend has helped Mark and I on the path to healing, which we so desperately need so we can be Nikki's support system.
It's gonna be tough, but this weekend I learned that it's ok to be mad. It's ok to thing about what might have been, and what should have been - but it's also very important to remember those we've lost with lots of love, tears, and laughter. Friends and family are the backbone of our lives...I certainly have learned to cherish the moments I share with each and every one of them.
On Friday night Mark, his brother and one of their good friends spent several hours sharing stories and toasting Al. I know it was very therapeutic for them all and I'm so grateful that through this trying time, we've had our close friends to lean on.
On Saturday, I was also thankful when our friend Eric asked if he could ride with us to Sheboygan for the service. My stomach was in knots, I'd already gone through half a box of Kleenex while I was getting ready, and I wasn't quite sure how Mark and I were going to handle the 45 minute car ride there in silence. With Eric along we spent the ride talking about "normal" stuff and it was good to think about other things for a few minutes.
The only way we got through the service was by leaning on one another. I'll admit, as soon as I walked through the doors of the funeral home I broke down. First we filed past a poster board of pictures featuring our smiling friend, who was still so alive in our hearts it hurt to think of him in any other way. I hugged his daughter who, dry eyed, patted my arm and told me everything would be ok. (They later told me, they'd spent the entire week crying and really didn't have any tears left to shed at the service.) I collapsed into his son's arms and told him how sorry I was and then Mark and I walked up to the casket.
It was surreal to see him lying there, so peaceful. I wanted to shake him, scream at him, ask him to quit this charade. He looked so different and later I realized why - he wasn't smiling. In all the years I'd known him, I'd never seen Al with anything but a smile on his face and a handshake or hug ready to dole out.
The service was beautiful and touching, with the pastor relaying some stories several of us had told him. At one point, the pastor said "You know, it's ok to be angry. It's ok to be angry at yourselves for whatever you might have done to change this outcome; it's ok to be angry at God for 'letting' this happen; and it's ok to be mad at Al for choosing this route."
As he said those words, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had been feeling all those things - the anger and guilt that I could have done something, anything to stop him. I was angry with God for "letting" this happen and I'd had fleeting feelings of anger toward Al for choosing to leave us in this grief. As I looked around and heard a collective sigh from the dozens of people around me, I could literally feel my heart starting to mend. It's ok, it's ok, it's ok.
Our close-knit group of friends sat together at the service. I sat between my husband and my brother-in-law, clutching Mark's hand and one-arm hugging Randy. On the other side of Mark were several of our other friends, all leaning on each other and my sister-in-law sat on the other side of Randy holding his hand. My niece and nephew sat on their parent's laps and Trent put his hand on my knee. With all of us grieving so closely together, I must admit we were a messy bunch - not much time or a free hand to reach for the Kleenex!
After the service, we all went to a park to eat, have some drinks and honor Al the way he would have wanted - with lots of laughter and joking. The kids played a pick-up game of football, a spontaneous poker game was started (Al would have loved that!) and we spent hours sharing stories. It was so therapeutic and so wonderful to see his wife, Nikki, laughing and reminiscing.
We've still got many tough days ahead as we try to help Nikki and the kids pick up the pieces and create a new sense of "normal." There are living arrangements to iron out, debts to consider and remedy, and dozens of other details to figure out...but I know that this weekend has helped Mark and I on the path to healing, which we so desperately need so we can be Nikki's support system.
It's gonna be tough, but this weekend I learned that it's ok to be mad. It's ok to thing about what might have been, and what should have been - but it's also very important to remember those we've lost with lots of love, tears, and laughter. Friends and family are the backbone of our lives...I certainly have learned to cherish the moments I share with each and every one of them.
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