About a Baby

Mark and I have only been married six months but we've been together for four-ish years.In the nearly two years we were engaged, we had lots of time to talk about the future and I'd always thought we were on the same page. Now, I'm not so sure.

He comes from a large family ... he's the youngest of nine kids and we currently have 25 nieces and nephews, as well as a great-niece and a great-nephew. I grew up with one brother and only a handful of cousins, but I've always loved children. In fact, Mark's large family is a huge part of why I fell in love with him.

We've talked about starting our own family. We've talked about it a lot. He knows that I want lots of kids and I know he'd be content with just two. Yup, he only wants TWO. He feels that growing up in a large family meant that he didn't have as many opportunities and advantages as I had growing up.

True, his parents probably had to cut back on some luxuries and in helping to run the farm, I'm sure Mark wasn't always allowed to spend the night at a friend's house whenever he wanted or get a new toy every time he visited a store. But, from what I've gathered over the years I've known him and his family, his memories of his childhood are worth far more than any of the material items he wishes he'd had. Mark has hundreds of heartwarming and entertaining stories floating in his memory bank and all of them revolve around the fun and crazy things he did with his brothers and sisters.

I had a wonderful childhood. My dad is a hard-working farmer and my mom sacrificed by working a part-time job during our youth so she could be our primary care giver. As we grew older, mom took a full time job so our family could have insurance and extra income. My brother and I are very close and I wouldn't trade him for anything, but I've always felt like something is missing.

I want at least five children. I'll settle for three. I want a home filled with love. I want laughter to spill out of every nook and cranny of my house and I hope our welcome mat is always in tatters because so many feet trample it. I want every room in our home to be overflowing with toys. I can't wait to find frogs in the laundry and hair barrettes stuffed in the couch.

I thought he wanted that too.

Several years ago I began taking oral contraceptives to help combat some medical issues I was having at the time. Since our wedding, I decided to stop taking the pills and though we haven't been "trying" we haven't been not trying either. This month, things were unusual. Unusual enough that I told Mark I wanted to take a pregnancy test. To put it mildly... he flipped out.

Apparently he has some master plan and at this time a baby does not fit into it. He ticked off the reasons why a baby would not be good : we're hoping to build a house, my job is not very stable, our apartment is too small for a baby if we are unable to build said house, we don't have any money set aside, we're still paying off Mark's loans, we might need to get a new car this year, etc.

How could I possibly respond? I cried. I felt guilty. I hated myself for feeling guilty. I felt horrible for both wanting a baby and not wanting a baby at the same time. I wondered if Mark could love a baby that would "ruin our plans." I remembered how much my mom and dad are hoping for a grandchild. I thought about my grandpa, who recently told me he hopes we have children before he's gone. I cried some more.

I bought a test. I took the test and paced the apartment waiting for the results. I sobbed when it came back negative and I'm still not sure if I cried because of what wasn't or because of what I wanted to be.

I haven't told him yet. I don't know how to begin talking about and I'm heartbroken to learn that the dreams I thought we dreamed together, were really just wishful thinking.