Ok, today I'm not going to follow my advice from my last post. I'm not feeling very upbeat or positive at all today...I'm just going through the motions. I have been for the last two months or so.
I don't know if I want to label it "depression" but I certainly haven't been feeling like myself for several weeks now. I've been feeling so fed up with a lot of things in regard to my life and my husband. It's so frustrating to feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
He doesn't help with any of the cleaning or apartment maintenance and lately he's been content to sit in front of the TV for hours after work playing Wii. We both have very weird hours with our jobs so Wednesday nights and Friday nights are really the only time during the week we get to spend together. Mark just finished up with his dart league (which played until very late on Thursday nights) and this past week started Golf League (which plays until quite late on Thursday nights). The result of this "fun" is that he gets home late on Thursdays, has to get up early for work on Friday and by that evening he is in bed by 8 p.m. So to re-hash...we see each other on Wednesdays. If he's not playing Wii.
So much has changed. When we first started dating, he was thoughtful and surprised me all the time. We kissed and cuddled and had funny nicknames for each other and things were really fun. Even through our engagement and up until the week before our wedding in October things were great. Then...it's like he's flipped a switch and has this idea that now that we're married he doesn't have to try any more. I don't understand. Is this normal?
I know we're both new to this whole marriage thing, but I'm pretty sure a marriage is sort of like a partnership. A 50/50 kind of deal. Like if I do all the dishes and laundry and dusting and bathroom cleaning and scrubbing of the floors and dusting and cleaning out the garage...he could find like two minutes to take out the garbage and recycling and wash the cars. Right? Wrong-o.
I have to beg him to take out the garbage. I will remove the garbage bag from the trash can and place the bag by our front door. I will put a new bag in the can and wait. I will ask him nicely to take out the trash in the morning when he leaves for work. When he hasn't done that, I will ask him to take it out when he gets home from work. He has an excuse...he needs to pay the bills. The heaping full bag of trash will sit next to the door for as long as I'm willing to look at it. Then...I'll take it out.
Last night he picked up a movie for us to watch - 27 Dresses. I loved it! I was happy he picked out a movie he knew I wanted to watch...it was sweet. So, I asked him if he would sit on the couch and watch it with me so we could cuddle. He said he hates sitting on the couch and would prefer to watch in "his chair." I suggested we watch it in the bedroom so we could cuddle in bed and watch it. He said no, he'd likely fall asleep in bed. He sat in his chair, I curled up on the couch. We watched the movie in silence (except for a few cute/funny parts where I laughed). When it was over, he turned off the DVD player and reached for his beloved Wii remote. I went into the bedroom to wash my face and watch some TV. We spent the night together but alone...in silence.
Today, he chose to go over to his parent's house to help with some scrap metal. It's fine, I have to leave in a little while to take some photos for the paper. But...he didn't kiss me goodbye before he left. It's really the only time we kiss anymore - a tight lipped, holding your breath kind of kiss because I usually have morning breath when he's headed out the door - and he didn't ask for one this morning.
I'm so frustrated and feel so helpless. I'm a pretty emotional person and tend to yell and cry a lot when we argue or discuss really important things, so I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel and telling him a few of the things I hope we can change in our relationship. I haven't given it to him yet, but I hope that after he reads it he will be willing to change and compromise. I hate this feeling....REGRET.
I was reminiscing the other night - as I listened to Mark snore - about some past relationships. This little feeling of regret started to seep in. The "what if's" started running through my head.
What if I hadn't broken up with so-and-so? Or what if I had given what's his name another chance? What if I had told a certain someone that I had feelings for him back in high school? What if, what if, what if.
It's a really powerful and devastating feeling to question one's marriage. It's another to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. It's so scary and leaves me feeling very hollow and sad inside.
....I try not to think about what might have been, because that was then and we have taken different roads. We can't go back again, there's no use giving in. There's no way to know...what might have been....
I don't know if I want to label it "depression" but I certainly haven't been feeling like myself for several weeks now. I've been feeling so fed up with a lot of things in regard to my life and my husband. It's so frustrating to feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.
He doesn't help with any of the cleaning or apartment maintenance and lately he's been content to sit in front of the TV for hours after work playing Wii. We both have very weird hours with our jobs so Wednesday nights and Friday nights are really the only time during the week we get to spend together. Mark just finished up with his dart league (which played until very late on Thursday nights) and this past week started Golf League (which plays until quite late on Thursday nights). The result of this "fun" is that he gets home late on Thursdays, has to get up early for work on Friday and by that evening he is in bed by 8 p.m. So to re-hash...we see each other on Wednesdays. If he's not playing Wii.
So much has changed. When we first started dating, he was thoughtful and surprised me all the time. We kissed and cuddled and had funny nicknames for each other and things were really fun. Even through our engagement and up until the week before our wedding in October things were great. Then...it's like he's flipped a switch and has this idea that now that we're married he doesn't have to try any more. I don't understand. Is this normal?
I know we're both new to this whole marriage thing, but I'm pretty sure a marriage is sort of like a partnership. A 50/50 kind of deal. Like if I do all the dishes and laundry and dusting and bathroom cleaning and scrubbing of the floors and dusting and cleaning out the garage...he could find like two minutes to take out the garbage and recycling and wash the cars. Right? Wrong-o.
I have to beg him to take out the garbage. I will remove the garbage bag from the trash can and place the bag by our front door. I will put a new bag in the can and wait. I will ask him nicely to take out the trash in the morning when he leaves for work. When he hasn't done that, I will ask him to take it out when he gets home from work. He has an excuse...he needs to pay the bills. The heaping full bag of trash will sit next to the door for as long as I'm willing to look at it. Then...I'll take it out.
Last night he picked up a movie for us to watch - 27 Dresses. I loved it! I was happy he picked out a movie he knew I wanted to watch...it was sweet. So, I asked him if he would sit on the couch and watch it with me so we could cuddle. He said he hates sitting on the couch and would prefer to watch in "his chair." I suggested we watch it in the bedroom so we could cuddle in bed and watch it. He said no, he'd likely fall asleep in bed. He sat in his chair, I curled up on the couch. We watched the movie in silence (except for a few cute/funny parts where I laughed). When it was over, he turned off the DVD player and reached for his beloved Wii remote. I went into the bedroom to wash my face and watch some TV. We spent the night together but alone...in silence.
Today, he chose to go over to his parent's house to help with some scrap metal. It's fine, I have to leave in a little while to take some photos for the paper. But...he didn't kiss me goodbye before he left. It's really the only time we kiss anymore - a tight lipped, holding your breath kind of kiss because I usually have morning breath when he's headed out the door - and he didn't ask for one this morning.
I'm so frustrated and feel so helpless. I'm a pretty emotional person and tend to yell and cry a lot when we argue or discuss really important things, so I wrote him a letter explaining how I feel and telling him a few of the things I hope we can change in our relationship. I haven't given it to him yet, but I hope that after he reads it he will be willing to change and compromise. I hate this feeling....REGRET.
I was reminiscing the other night - as I listened to Mark snore - about some past relationships. This little feeling of regret started to seep in. The "what if's" started running through my head.
What if I hadn't broken up with so-and-so? Or what if I had given what's his name another chance? What if I had told a certain someone that I had feelings for him back in high school? What if, what if, what if.
It's a really powerful and devastating feeling to question one's marriage. It's another to wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. It's so scary and leaves me feeling very hollow and sad inside.
....I try not to think about what might have been, because that was then and we have taken different roads. We can't go back again, there's no use giving in. There's no way to know...what might have been....
0 comments:
Post a Comment